I wonder if i have more anxiety because i’m getting closer to changing myself.
The pain I feel is caused by an eternal feeling of being lost/trapped, i suppose — trapped in the middle of whether or not i’m going the right way.
for some reason, defining the abstract things in my life feels like what I need to do.
it’s the worst feeling in my chest though. it’s like there’s a constant battle between hope and despair. a constant battle between heart and mind. these words are just labels that exist on spectra. Despair and hope feed off of each other, as do the mind and the heart. Yin and yang. this is probably the only accurate dichotomy — a dichotomy in which the core of one exists in the other and cannot exist without the other occurring first, a mutually inclusive relationship. Without mind, the heart has no direction and isn’t practical. but without heart, the mind has no stability, no balance, no foundation. I sit here comparing circles and squares, dots and crosses, synthesizing thoughts that result from things i fleetingly realize and then quickly forget, becoming more and more frustrated, intangible.
during the battles, I ask myself what point there is in suffering as well as what point there is in happiness ( i guess suffering helps me to remember). I saw a quote the other day that discussed that even sadness can be a form of inescapable self-indulgence. The victim mentality sets in and everything goes to shit. excuses. excuses. excuses.
I feel that I’m at a point in which I am sad even when i’m happy. Once I become a more emotionally balanced individual, I hope that I’ll never prefer one emotion to another. I find that optimism and pessimism are vastly overrated and I hope that I will always work towards a state that will allow me to experience any given moment with an open, curious, and focused mind, whether that state lies in balance or imbalance. Balance seems to be something that I should strive for. but there may be circumstances in which imbalance may be necessary. I’ve always sympathized and empathized with characters whose philosophies led them to embrace darkness. because sometimes i want to be a dark individual. there is a certain beauty in all of these things that i would like to learn to grasp.
again though. this concept — letting go of something in order to receive it —. i don’t know how to make sense of it. but i feel that it does make sense.
another big thing is that obviously we don’t have control over the early years of our development (probably from conception to preteenish), and that scares me. and sometimes we can’t control who we are influenced by. and sometimes we fuck our own selves up and are influenced by others and society to act and conform certain ways. ……..
what if the desires, goals, dreams, and values and virtues and ideals that we hold to be sacred are only results of fears, generalizations, irrationality, and subconscious processes. ? what if one’s mind has developed in such a way that his thoughts will never have the power to move himself?
how does one manage to navigate oneself in a way such that he does not build himself upon further illusions?
I guess that’s my main contention and objection to happiness. When one has no clue or method of finding out the core of their development and apparently has no interest in it and assumes the concreteness of his personality to exist in such a certain way that no questions need be asked — one is content.
It seems that we ultimately are out of control. and that we simply have to be practical. How can one honestly become passionate about something in general if one feels that his origin is but a mystery?
I recognize the privileged position I am in to be even alive at all as well as being able to not have to worry immediately about things like food and survival, but I don’t care. I’ve opened this on myself. I really don’t like the story of my life so far.
It started off fine, sure. But i met so many people that just didn’t give a shit. and believed in themselves and believed in their god(s) and believed in their personalities. but they had no ideals. no substance. and they didn’t give a shit about me either and they made that clear. and that sparked the worst feelings of doubt about everything in myself. and really all it took was a little bullying. i make it out much worse than it actually was. I’ve really been the bully of my life. and that made me resort to gaming and going to a highschool that was so fucking useless. useless in the sense of the people. I want to love people and humanity, but i feel a fundamental disconnect with most people. anyways, i don’t have a solid grasp on most academic things because i prioritize thinking about things over actual studying and other things. but i’ve managed to get into an amazing college. with amazing people. and i could meet them. and know them and we’d most likely influence each other.
Life is so subjective. I suppose we are indeed condemned to be free. I would like to enjoy the mysteries of existence as well as accepting the uncertainty in a healthy way. but it’s just hard at this time.
I’m going to go listen to some more KH instrumentals and close my eyes.