just sitting and listening to oriental meditative music. also bought the tao te ching. curious to read that.
i’ve identified two sources of continuous anxiety.
one involves the concept of power.
and the other involves the concept of imbalance.
I realize that I have allowed my thinking to go entirely out of control.
also, i have realized that i can’t sit forever and explore the possible reasons why i didn’t get the perfect past in the way that i wanted it.
also, i have realized that alot of my development as a person depends on how i subjectively perceive things; and that there is really no right way of perceiving things. Everything in life can be approached from multiple angles.
and also, I can’t question everything as it’s happening. Sometimes i need to analyze after i have experienced, and not during.
Uncertainty is king, but he imposes no rules.
and so I apparently have to figure this out.
to be honest, it’s entirely frustrating.
and i need to actually have self confidence. Whenever i see others with self confidence, it’s almost impossible to not feel that they’re arrogant simply because i’m most likely jealous of what they have.
and i detach further and further and further into my barren world of “truth”.
But emotion is a form of intelligence.
and perhaps i should stop trying to label and categorize things. i’ve become too black and white.
i’ve wished pain on myself so much that when i actively try to change the routine, I feel that i’m even more delusional and wrong than before.
I suppose that in order to truly experience life the way that i want, I’m going to have to give up hope for a better past, hope for any form of concrete certainty, and also not allowing my passions and desires to control me to the point that i’m dogmatic and robotic. I’ll have to give up living a cosmically correct life and learn to allow for mistakes and to allow myself to learn from them.
i don’t know.
I feel like i’ve always needed to contribute something significant to the world, and all the stuff that has happened since i came into this world has given me a worldview that is subconsciously hopeful and beautiful, but consciously full of despair and supreme inadequacy. it’s so bizarre to think that i’m sidelining myself out of fear or something. i don’t know.
oh a side note… marina and the diamonds. fuck yeah.
I’M A PRIMADONNA GIRL, YEAH. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS THE WORLD. etc etc etc.